A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me before I type out affect or effect