Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Bike for sale
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.