awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers