Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.