Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Dear Lord..
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week