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If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG