Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I beg you to euthanise me
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Just me and my debit card against the world
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
oh she’s cooked