[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Uh oh…
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.