Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…