Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Okey dokey.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.