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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
🤣🤣🤣
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.