Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors