To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.