ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.