My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I have two kinds of followers
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?