#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.