[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
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*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*