Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Beauty and the Beast
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.