I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
only 11 steps left
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*