I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Tough love is true love
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.