My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…