If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023