Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Husband of the year 😂
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.