Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.