My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.