A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.