The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”