[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.