Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur