When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!