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Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.