Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
You Might Also Like
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Check your privilege
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
A friend helps you before you need it
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.