A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed