4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
You Might Also Like
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!