Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
You Might Also Like
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
No laws when master is gone
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
This squirrel eats better than I do