was Jim off killing horses or…
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The fall of Netflix
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.