“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
plant them where lol
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?