I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Am I having a stroke?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on