Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.