Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA