me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
wish me luck lads
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Lmao the reply
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.