I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.