This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time