When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Netflix and awkward silence?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here