No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
You Might Also Like
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
From my Mom
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads