(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff