Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.