yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Clients after you give them your rates
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware