“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Who’s your best friend?