I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
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IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.